Infertility. I really have grown to loathe the word. Telling a woman she is infertile is like a telling a tree that is covered in flowers that because she can’t grow oranges or apples she is no longer worthy of being a tree. And though season after season she is in constant bloom she is still looked upon as less. At least that’s how the word makes me feel. Also, why is it so taboo to talk about? NO ONE TALKS ABOUT IT! And if they do It totally becomes this super AWKWARD thing. I personally think WE ( me , and all my friends who are walking this out ) don’t discuss it because
1. we don’t want it to be weird and lead to the awkward console
2. we perhaps aren’t in a place where we want to talk about it.
I’ve been walking this out for 4 years and for most of it I’ve declined almost every baby shower, and gathering where I would be in a place with a bunch of kids. My poor friends are the best and super sweet and totally understanding but its been hard. How do you tell someone who you love deeply that, “I’m happy your pregnant, I really am, but a little part of me is sad about it, and now I have to watch you get fat for an awesome reason why I eat my feelings for your entire pregnancy!” How do you do that? I don’t know, but I will tell you when the sadness went away…I can actually pinpoint the moment when the longing that weighed down my soul turned into joy and the brokenness that overwhelmed my heart began to mend.
I was praying for people at the altar and a woman came up to me for prayer. I pulled her close and asked her how could I pray for her. Through the sobbing she said, “I just lost my third baby a couple months ago and we just found out I am pregnant again and I’m scared we are going to lose it.” I won’t lie my initial reaction was “ARE YOU KIDDING ME JESUS, HOW FLIPPING *#*&^%$#@ INSENSITIVE ARE YOU!?” And before I could say anymore cuss words in my head, I heard the Lord ask me, “Just because you don’t believe it for yourself doesn’t mean I can’t do a miracle. Will you not stand with her and believe even if you never see the miracle for yourself?!” It was then that I realized I had spent the last 3 years so focused on what I didn’t have that I lost sight of what I did have…and if I am completely honest I’d lost sight of who had given it to me.
Let’s pause for a moment…
You ever have those moments with God where you want to crawl under a hole and just quit at life? This was one of those moments. One of those red dots on your map of life where the rubber meets the road and your faith is truly tried. I can’t tell you what I said to her or what I prayed but I remember telling Jesus, “I don’t care if I ever see it, give her the miracle.” It was when I took my eyes off of my situation and focused on others that my heart softened. I spent the next couple months with similar encounters every Sunday and then something weirder happened. The cysts I’d prayed for on the one lady had disappeared, the women I prayed for to get pregnant got pregnant, and so one and so forth. I began to see FRUIT from my prayer, from my life and my faith was strengthened.
Look, I haven’t stopped believing for the miracle for myself. Seriously, I may or may not have started instagram accounts for my non-existent children. BUT I’ve learned that the moment you take your eyes off yourself and realize your walk can be a stepping stone for others your life becomes fertile in a way that you could never imagine. Just because your womb may not work on this side of eternity, doesn’t mean your life will not bare fruit. It just means you are different kind of tree. A different kind of mother and that realization, my friend is the best feeling in the world. THE BEST.
Does that make mother’s day any easier? NOPE, I still cry most of that day.
Does that make baby showers easier? NOPE, I still decline most. I’m sad to say that’s true.
But, Its getting easier.
Look, its not all bad, I sleep in every weekend, unless awakened by my cat who is a tiny weirdo
Not having a kid on a leash at Disney World is always a WIN!
Every night out with my man is date night. I live a super blessed life and I’m SO THANKFUL!
So, if I could encourage you in anything I’m going to reiterate the most important thing I’ve learned through all of this thus far….Don’t lose your perspective! Don’t look at the NO you are facing, the NO in this subject as something that’s a negative. Its still something God has given you to steward. Yes, I just said that you have to STEWARD THE NO in your life. Yep, just like if you had a tiny person that looked JUST like you you’d have to steward them. And the truth of the matter is NOT having one is something you have to steward as well. Your attitude matters, how you love people matters, how you walk out your NO matters.
You can do this! Don’t let the NO in your life be something that stops the miracle for others. Pray for everyone you encounter that is walking this out, lay hands on them belly’s! ( Um, not me tho, I have issues with strangers and pretty much anyone touching me, I’m a weirdo. #NoTOUCHY ) Seriously, It speaks volumes when you believe for others something you yourself have not yet experienced.
Don’t lose hope…
Don’t lose faith…
Learn to steward the No well and with peace.
And lastly, stay focused on the creator. The flowers in your life are beautiful and abundant and you should be thankful for them. Yes, I know, they may not be an apple or orange but they are nourishment to bees and other things that Lord brings your way.
AND THAT is what we are here for anyway…Love God, Love People…
( This is where I bow…drop the mic…step off my soap box….and the curtain closes )