I’ve never really talked or blogged about my battle with infertility, but I feel like this is the season to bring in those who read my blog. Perhaps to bring awareness, to bring encouragement but mainly because I feel that this is the season to share…So in the next couple weeks I will start sharing more about it but please be aware of a couple things as we walk this out together…
- This is a sensitive subject to many and if you have struggled with or know someone who has struggled with infertility the LAST THING a person who is walking this journey wants to hear is that you have a friend who struggled with the EXACT same thing and they are now pregnant. Everyone’s journey is different and we know you are just trying to be encouraging … but we are good ( insert sarcastic face here ) . Unless we ask, or the HOLY SPIRIT tells you, pocket your story. Thank you.
- Adoption is not always the answer. Many people who are walking this journey aren’t necessarily looking to adopt. We get why you’re asking, but we may not respond with the answer you are looking for.
- PLEASE don’t ask us what weird fertility treatments we are doing. That’s weird. I can’t even look my OBGYN in the eye, I’m not gonna walk that out with you. Now, some ladies may like to share that sort of thing, but i’m an introvert who is pretty private. I know that may sound weird since I speak and have a blog and seem to always have a microphone. But, that’s just what I do sometimes…doesn’t mean im into sharing intimate details of this journey. Sorry, just needed to get that out there.
- Lastly, Yes, I’ve had people pray over me. Yes, I believe God can do the impossible. Yes and Amen to all of that.
Okay now that we got that out of the way…Let’s begin.
I was 5 years old and in kindergarten when I asked my mom to lead me to Jesus. ( yes, that’s me in the picture and yes, I know I am adorable…you’re welcome. ) I woke up from my sleep ( well past bedtime ) and walked into the kitchen to find her grading papers at our kitchen table. I don’t know what prompted the moment except that I awoke and felt a strong push that I needed Jesus and I knew my mom could lead me there. As I drove to work this morning the realization that I may never have that exact moment came to mind. Tears filled my eyes and I realized that I may never have the privilege of praying with my child and leading him/her to Jesus. And just as the hopelessness overwhelmed me at a red light the reminder that I was part of leading my niece to the Lord flooded my soul and comforted me. The reminder that just last week I prayed over a room of young people and saw many meet Jesus changed my tears of sadness to gratitude. I whispered “Thank you, Jesus, that I get to lead people to Jesus.” As the light turned green I ventured into 45 minutes of back to back traffic that began a dialogue with my savior and HE like only HE can began to remind me of the following things…
- Infertility doesn’t take you out of the game, it gives you the game ball. Many people wait till they get pregnant to be a mother, but infertility gives the constant awareness that motherhood isn’t just a gift to those that can carry a child but a gift to those who can actively produce kingdom people. Every person I mentor, speak into, and encourage I get to be a mother to. Infertility causes you to focus on the eternal legacy you are meant to leave, so don’t get discouraged, don’t lose hope, God is faithful and though infertility is a hard wilderness, He is still with us, and He is still God.
- Inheritance is left, legacies are built. When my grandmother died I was gifted her wedding ring. I struggled to accept it because I don’t have a daughter to pass it on to and I felt unworthy of the gift. I felt unworthy of the inheritance. But God is a God of inheritance and He gives us so much that we don’t deserve just because He loves us. He died on a cross WAY BEFORE I ever accepted His love. And every time I look at the ring that I wear everyday I am reminded that HE gifted me with this inheritance before I knew who I’d pass it on too. He gifted me with HOPE to build my life and legacy upon. He gifted with Hope in the shape of inheritance to remind me that I serve a God who can do so many awe-inspiring things, immeasurable things, things greater than we ever could ask or imagine through the power at work in us, to Him be all glory in the church and in Jesus the Anointed from this generation to the next, forever and ever…( Eph3:20:21 the voice )
So to all you ladies out there walking out this season, know you are not alone. I’m not gonna lie, it sucks. But don’t lose perspective. Infertility doesn’t rob you of motherhood, your perspective does. You’re life is so much more than the fruit you bare. And though some trees do bare fruit, others are known for their roots and others for their shade. Don’t get stuck. God has a plan for you and for me and that plan involves keeping our eyes fixed on the miracle worker, not the miracle.