I can still see her wrinkles and hear her laugh. If I try hard enough and close my eyes tight enough I can still feel that the last hug…the last kiss…the last, “ I love you more…” All I keep thinking is how I wish I would have held her longer. If I would have known, I would have never let her go.
Saturday morning began with a phone call. It rang once and I immediately picked it up. See you have to understand that I am one of those people, the ones that always pick up the phone even when it’s an unknown number. Even when it’s at all hours of the night or the sun has refused to rise…I am that person. And on this Saturday I wished to God that I wasn’t that person. Mom was on the other line and all she said was, “ Chari, something happened…” My heart sank and I already knew before she said it, “ Mama has passed away…” I didn’t have time to react but every part of my soul screamed out,
“Mama…my grandmother, who I just saw and was PERFECTLY fine!??”
“Mama…the glue that holds us together?!”
“I don’t understand!!”
Truth is, the last couple days have felt like a horrible dream I cannot wake up from. Days have melted into sleepless nights and now the dreadful week is gone and I find myself here.
Here is a weird place, and It’s hard to get acclimated. It’s like being at sea and having no sea legs.
But here is where God has me, and here is where I find Him.
…the place where He always is and abides and calls me by name…here.
I read recently that,
“ You will never have a peace that surpasses all understanding until you give away your right to understand…”
and I can say with all honesty that peace is here. Peace is not a feeling, it’s the person of Jesus Christ and He is alive and speaking in my current “here”. Though I am a bit broken, here is the best place to be. Not sure where your “Here” is, but if you quiet your soul and surrender your questions, He will find you there.
Be strong and brave, and don’t tremble in fear of them, because the Eternal your God is going with you. He’ll never fail you or abandon you!
Deut. 31:6 ( the voice )
Jesus, I just want to be where you are.